It’s okay if there’s an occasional tiff, some mixed feelings, or confusion every now and then. A 14-year-old has no context for what a relationship should feel like, and some of that friction is good. A little messiness will help them develop a sense for what a relationship should be. A teen shouldn’t be perpetually scared, sad, or upset by their relationship, though. Watch out for dramatic changes in their behavior. If they go from being upbeat and active to withdrawn or possessive, you should check in with them to see what’s going on.
Whether you choose to institute a rule here or not is entirely up to you, but you can normally get around this one without setting rules. Require your 14-year-old to attend family dinners, church outings, or family trips, and don’t let them leave the house whenever they please.
Talk to your child about what they’re doing when they’re on their phones, and ask them to show you things they’re engaged in if they seem to be spending a lot of time doing it. This is a nearly-universal problem for parents today—kids just spend a ton of time online. It’s okay for you to be a little weirded out by the fixation on their phone, but don’t assume your child has a unique issue if they’re enthralled.
Teens don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to interpreting “alone time,” and your child’s partner might get possessive and jealous if they spend time doing other things. If you get a whiff of this going on, remind your child that their partner is wrong and encourage them to stick to their values. In some abusive relationships, the abuser will keep their partner from spending time with their friends and family. If your child seems to spend less time around you, it could definitely be a red flag.
For example, you may have a rule that they need to check in via text every 1-3 hours when they’re not home, or that they have to call you whenever they go somewhere new with their partner. You might set a hard 9 p. m. curfew, or require their partner to come in and say hello before the two of them go out together. Set rewards for your child! Tell them that if they’re open with you, don’t hide anything, and don’t complain about questions you have that you’ll take them on a trip they want to go on, or get them that new Xbox for Christmas. Let them know what will happen if they violate any ground rules you set. Remember, you can always revoke their right to date. At 14, it’s a privilege, not a right.
Talk to your child about sex, and explain why you’d be unhappy about them crossing that line at 14. Explain to your teen that should never feel like they have to do something to please their partner. At 14, your child probably isn’t so new to this that they’ll be totally confused by topics like consent and abuse, so they may roll their eyes or say “I know” over and over again. Still, even if it seems like they don’t need to hear this from you, they do!
You can ask to meet the person they’re dating in person—that’s a great way for you to figure out what kind of partner has chosen. Whatever you do, try not to admonish your child for who they’ve chosen to date. That will only encourage them further to keep dating them. It can be a little touchy and confusing when kids are 14, but get contact information for the other child’s parents if you can. This way, you can always reach out if something concerns you.
When your child’s partner is over, don’t go out of your way to “check in” on them. However, you can always do some chores that involve walking past their room every now and then, or pop in to ask if they’re hungry.
If your child wants to go on a movie date, you might suggest joining them and sitting in a different row. If they go on a dinner date, you might grab a table on the other side of the restaurant. Offer rides! This is a good way to make sure everything is above board without giving your child the sensation that you’re going over the top with the surveillance.
Many parents have their children turn their phone in at night. This is a good time to review and scan what they’re up to. It’s also a good way to keep your child from staying up all night texting their partner. If your child is extremely responsible and you’ve never checked their texts/behavior before, tread lightly here and don’t do anything too intrusive. Your child may feel like they’re being punished for dating if you change your privacy policy out of nowhere.
You might say something like, “Look, I know I’m probably throwing a lot at you, and you’re going to make your own decisions sometimes regardless of what I say, but if you ever have a question or need help, I’m here for you. Even if it’s embarrassing, or scary, I’ve got your back. ”
A 14-year-old can pick up on an adult’s energy. If you act like this is a huge deal, you may give your child the impression that dating is super important or dangerous.
