If you can’t leave your home, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Imagine a place that makes you feel happy and safe. Really take a moment to imagine the scene using all of your senses.

For example, you might think about your mother’s childhood or how she was raised. Maybe she’s dealing with trauma and doesn’t know how to work through it. This might help you realize that her hurtful comments are more about her inability to cope than anything you actually did.

Use “I” statements when you talk to your mom, so she doesn’t get defensive. For example, say, “When you said you’re disappointed in me, I felt worthless,” or, “I felt really stressed out when you said I don’t help out enough. " This can feel really hard or scary, but taking small steps—even just saying something short like, “I feel terrible when you call me names,"—tells her that her behavior is harmful. With practice, you can build up to longer, deeper conversations.

“I’m not responsible for my mom’s feelings. " “I don’t need my mother’s approval. " “I will not rise to my mom’s hurtful challenge. "

You might say, “If you can’t talk to me without calling me names, then I can’t interact with you,” “You can’t verbally abuse me,” or, “You’re not allowed to call me names. " Your consequences could include refusing to respond to her or leaving the house. If you’re setting boundaries to assert your independence, it’s really important that you follow through on commitments that you make to your mom. For instance, if you tell her that you need free time to do stuff after school, but that you’ll be home for dinner, make a point of showing up on time. This demonstrates your maturity.

For example, if you think, “I feel so criticized,” tell yourself, “I might not be perfect, but I do my best. " Turn a negative thought like, “I feel so angry and unloved,” to, “I know I’m a lovable person and I know ways to calm myself down. "

Meditate. Learn a skill you’ve always wanted to try. Get out into nature. Treat yourself to coffee or your favorite dessert.

If you’re not sure who to talk to or you’d like to talk with someone who’s going through a similar experience, join a support group for the children of toxic parents. You could find a group online or ask a counselor for recommendations. If you’d like to develop a support network, join an activity or club so you can meet new people who have similar interests.

For instance, if your mom is screaming things at you and throwing things, get to a safe spot and call a relative to come pick you up. Don’t hesitate to call 911 if you’re afraid for your safety. If you can’t call emergency services, go to a public space like a business or library that has a yellow “Safe Place” sign. They’ll arrange for you to talk with counselors or get the help you need. [7] X Research source

You can talk to a personal therapist or find one who specializes in family conflicts. If you’re still in school, talk with your counselor, who can also help you find resources you need.

You don’t have to verbally forgive your mom, although you could say something like, “I forgive you for the hurtful things you said. I hope we can move past it. " It’s fine to mentally recognize that you’ve gotten over the hurt that your mom caused and that you’ve forgiven her.